Thursday, December 13, 2007

File under D for 'Duh'

A new study has been released about the evolutionary advantages of the female body, especially as it relates to pregnancy and not tipping over like Humpty Dumpty. In addition to being a writer and a mother, I am also a certified teacher of the Alexander Technique, which deals with how to undo habitual patterns of body use and fun stuff like that. But this study cracked me up because you don't have to be a Harvard or even a University of Texas researcher to know that women, whether pregnant or not, are the evolutionary superiors to men in many other ways, which I am happy to begin to list and hope that you will add to as well:
1. Octopoidal taskability - If you remember that movie, "The Elephant Man," where actor John Hurt yells out "I am not an elephant!" then I can be dubbed "The Octopus Mom." While I didn't develop an extra boobie for each child I birthed, my two boobies acted as three and my two arms and legs acted as if I was in fact an octopus. This translates into being able to wash a sink full of dishes (by hand), supervise an art project for my own trio, plus a playdate, one that involves small beads and glitter and glue (we all have to learn the hard way sometimes), feeding the dog, cooking some organic delight, knocking the cats off the counter and working on at least two freelance projects all at the same time, not to mention answering email. And if you are a new mother, breastfeeding at least one child the entire time. I remember when the twins were 2 months old and I thought it was a perfect time to re-enter our social world and invited 15 people over for dinner. I breastfed both while putting together a lasagna. We have the pictures to prove I am not lying. But don't ask me for them because I don't know where they are. 
2. Retractable limbs - This can be described as the post-natal ability to retrieve any size object, from a marble to a hardened piece of toast, from any location of the third row of a minivan. This includes keeping both eyes on the road and one hand on the wheel.  This also includes pulling small objects out of small orifices and wiping noses. 
3. Unflappable flapability - This is the ability to be able to have a conversation, and other things (sometimes) with one's partner after 15 straight hours of #1 & 2. 
Add your own.  The thing about mothers is that we are endlessly and uniquely adaptable to any situation that life throws us. 

My favorite line of the study is "More Stability During Pregnancy" with this excerpt: "Women have evolved a stronger and more flexible lower spine than men." Any takers on this one??? 

Ah, science, that wonderful bastion of logic and reason, has finally come to the ultimate understanding:

Mothers and women are at the top of the food chain!

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